I don't want to make this something I'm going to regret, but I've gotta get it out.
What's so wrong with me that my parents have to hide me? Why do people have to ask twice about what gender I am, even after I tell them? Why do my parents correct people who refer to me as male?
I'm still my parent's daughter, and I'm scared that'll never change. Is being transgender really such a terrible thing?
The worst part is that I have no one to talk to. I'm alone because neither my mom or dad want to talk about it. They don't want to acknowledge it's existence because it's shameful to them.
They're still trying to convince me this isn't want I want. That it's a phase and I'll get over it. It hurts. It hurts that I sat in front of them and sobbed just telling them about it, and they still don't listen.
It's getting hard to fight against them when I've got no one fighting for me.
Maybe I should just go back into the closet.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Long Time, No Posts
I'M SO SORRY ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I'VE POSTED!
And with that, comes a few major updates that I'd like to share!
First off, I'll be graduating high school as of June 17th. Unfortunately I'm graduating as a girl since that's what my parents would want of me, so I figured I'd make them happy.
More about my parents: They're still in denial. Mom is asking me why I don't shave my legs and when I tell her I need new shorts she just tells me that the shorts I have are fine. They're all short girl shorts. So it's really a terrible feeling that Mom and Dad are ignoring the fact I'm trans and just hoping it'll go away.
I also got a new binder! Yes, my old one was too small and was hurting my chest so I went without a binder for a few weeks or so. But now I've got my new one and it fits perfectly! Please guys, if your binder is too small don't wear it. You don't want rib, lung, ect. problems later on!
On a sad note, I've got to give my hedgehog away because college doesn't allow pets and no one wants to take care of her.
And one last note, sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really sad over the past few months and I haven't had the motivation for a lot of things (this blog included). So I'm sorry if I don't post as much as I probably should. And for my next entry I'll try to find a topic that isn't just my updates!
Thank you all for reading! Feel free to email me at morwinslow@gmail.com or leave a comment below! No question is a stupid question!
And with that, comes a few major updates that I'd like to share!
First off, I'll be graduating high school as of June 17th. Unfortunately I'm graduating as a girl since that's what my parents would want of me, so I figured I'd make them happy.
More about my parents: They're still in denial. Mom is asking me why I don't shave my legs and when I tell her I need new shorts she just tells me that the shorts I have are fine. They're all short girl shorts. So it's really a terrible feeling that Mom and Dad are ignoring the fact I'm trans and just hoping it'll go away.
I also got a new binder! Yes, my old one was too small and was hurting my chest so I went without a binder for a few weeks or so. But now I've got my new one and it fits perfectly! Please guys, if your binder is too small don't wear it. You don't want rib, lung, ect. problems later on!
On a sad note, I've got to give my hedgehog away because college doesn't allow pets and no one wants to take care of her.
And one last note, sorry I haven't been posting. I've been really sad over the past few months and I haven't had the motivation for a lot of things (this blog included). So I'm sorry if I don't post as much as I probably should. And for my next entry I'll try to find a topic that isn't just my updates!
Thank you all for reading! Feel free to email me at morwinslow@gmail.com or leave a comment below! No question is a stupid question!
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Long Time No Post
Wow it's been awhile. Sorry I haven't been here! So much has been happening with college and family I haven't had time to get on here and give you guys an update!
Near nothing has changed. I'm trying to be more 'myself' rather than what my parents want me to be. I'm going to go and get my septum pierced on the 18th and hopefully they won't be too mad. And because I'm the biggest crybaby I'm probably going to cry or faint or vomit or all of those at the same time.
On an even more embarrassing note, I went to Kohls because that's a store I feel comfortable in since my mother is very much into spending much more than needed on clothes. I went with my friend and we walked around for a bit until deciding on buying some boxers for me. First of, clothing stores don't expect a 110 lb, small framed guy to shop there because finding my size was like finding a needle in a haystack. I did eventually find it- put in the corner on the top shelf because what kind of American is this tiny. I picked out the colors I wanted and walked to checkout with my friend.
Only to find out I didn't have enough money because for some reason 4 pieces of flappy fabric cost $40. So I then had to do that awkward thing where you go through your wallet hoping it'll grow hands and hand you another $20. And then you panic.
And then you realize you're actually broke and you have to tell the woman at the counter you don't have the money and awkwardly walk your broke-ass out of the store.
So I went to Big-Y, bought a double-shot Starbucks canned coffee and drowned my sorrows.
On another note, my therapist gave me some helpful advice to change my name. I know that my name right now can go for either male or female persons, but my therapist said that changing my name might help my parents realize my 'rebirth', so to speak, and it may help them understand it. After thinking for awhile I'm really considering Shay because I just really love that name. But only time will tell!
Thank you all for supporting me and reading about my transition and all of the other junk I write! Feel free to ask questions, comment or email me at morwinslow@gmail.com!
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Bad Couple Of Weeks
It's been a rough couple of weeks. Between mom denying that I'm transgender and struggling to get along with my parents it's been hard.
I've been trying my best to stay positive and ignore the negativity people have towards me but I'm getting kind of worn down from it all. When someone makes a comment about me looking boy-ish Mom immediately comments stating that I make a much better female.
In school I always hear people talking bad about transgender people and I would stand up and say something, but I don't want to look dumb standing up for the minority and risk being the target of future comments.
For graduation Mom's trying to buy me a dress and even telling me I should invest in a weave or a wig and that I should just grow out my hair so it can be long and pretty again. I just don't understand what I have to say to her for her to understand that saying these things really hurts and I'm not her daughter. I don't want to be her daughter. I want to be her son.
I'm just really glad I'm going away to college soon and I can be away from the negativity I face here and hopefully be at least a little more accepted.
I'm trying more and more to feel better in my own skin. I'm going to hopefully be buying boxers soon and getting a binder. Plus, I'm hopefully getting my septum pierced on the 13th of April which is something to look forward to.
I'm sorry if this entry seems a bit ranty. Thank you for reading though! Feel free to e-mail me at morwinslow@gmail.com at anytime if you have a question or anything really.
Thanks!
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Very Exciting News
I'm really excited because I was having a really bad day -- I didn't have my morning coffee, I'm tired, I've got lots due in terms of homework tomorrow, my cat scratched me, and I forgot my lunch at home. BUT when I got home (after spending the afternoon with a friend) on the counter was an envelope from the only college I applied to; MassART in Massachusetts.
I GOT IN!
I'm really stoked because they were my first pick and because they have Gender Inclusive Housing which is one of the best things I could have asked for in a school. I had applied and I emailed them practically to death about being a transgender and what I'd do dorm-wise. They emailed me back right away and gave me several options:
-Move into the Female dorm
-Move into the Male dorm
-Move into a solitary dorm
-Gender Inclusive Housing
I immediately responded asking about the Gender Inclusive Housing they have there and they told me that all I have to do is apply for it. So, this week I'm going to write my statement for why I'd like to be in Gender Inclusive Housing and hopefully get into there.
I also really like this because it means that society is moving forwards in terms of non-conforming/traditional genders (male and female) and people are realizing that gender deviants like me need housing too. And although it's kind of 'labeling' us because they're grouping us together outside of the regular male and female dorms, I'm honestly just excited that they have a place for people like me to feel safe.
More great news is that I am in the process of ordering all new clothes (male of course) and it's really alien the first time you wear men's pants.
I wore them a day ago and you put them on and your first thought is "How do I wear these" because they space between the crotch and the waist band is so much bigger and then you slouch them and suddenly understand why guys hate wearing skinny jeans because then the seam is between your thighs and you run like a duck even if it's just an inch or so down between your thighs.
It was much different than wearing women's skinny jeans. I was very much out of my element.
AND THE POCKETS. You can put nearly your entire arm into your front pockets; how great is that.
Thank you all for reading! As always, if you have questions feel free to shoot them over to morwinslow@gmail.com and I'll see you guys next week!
I GOT IN!
I'm really stoked because they were my first pick and because they have Gender Inclusive Housing which is one of the best things I could have asked for in a school. I had applied and I emailed them practically to death about being a transgender and what I'd do dorm-wise. They emailed me back right away and gave me several options:
-Move into the Female dorm
-Move into the Male dorm
-Move into a solitary dorm
-Gender Inclusive Housing
I immediately responded asking about the Gender Inclusive Housing they have there and they told me that all I have to do is apply for it. So, this week I'm going to write my statement for why I'd like to be in Gender Inclusive Housing and hopefully get into there.
I also really like this because it means that society is moving forwards in terms of non-conforming/traditional genders (male and female) and people are realizing that gender deviants like me need housing too. And although it's kind of 'labeling' us because they're grouping us together outside of the regular male and female dorms, I'm honestly just excited that they have a place for people like me to feel safe.
More great news is that I am in the process of ordering all new clothes (male of course) and it's really alien the first time you wear men's pants.
I wore them a day ago and you put them on and your first thought is "How do I wear these" because they space between the crotch and the waist band is so much bigger and then you slouch them and suddenly understand why guys hate wearing skinny jeans because then the seam is between your thighs and you run like a duck even if it's just an inch or so down between your thighs.
It was much different than wearing women's skinny jeans. I was very much out of my element.
AND THE POCKETS. You can put nearly your entire arm into your front pockets; how great is that.
Thank you all for reading! As always, if you have questions feel free to shoot them over to morwinslow@gmail.com and I'll see you guys next week!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Updates and Ask Me Things!
You heard it! I'm actually starting to move forward with my transition!
I visited my therapist at the beginning of this week and she told me that I ask permission from my parents too much. And she told me essentially to start being an individual and doing things without asking them. She also said that since they most likely won't be supporting my transition that I can go ahead without them.
So, in celebration I bought a pair of pants and a t-shirt. And hopefully within a month or so I'll have a binder! I'm really excited to finally get the ball rolling now that I'm 18 and I can finally be myself.
Now, I'm not going to go all rebel and get neck tattoos and stuff, but I plan to continue transitioning and possibly see a therapist that focuses on transgenders and possibly get approved for hormones when I'm ready. But I don't think that'll be for at least a year since I don't want to rush it and just dive in head-first. I'm starting off with clothes and cutting my hair first. I already have the hair cut, and some of the clothes (two sweaters), so I plan to expand that before anything else.
On another note, I'd love to answer questions that you guys have! And I'm going to set up a policy that as long as it's a legit question, I'll answer it. If you be 100% sincere and you actually have a question, I'll answer it no matter what. Nothing will be off limits and I promise I won't get offended or hurt by a question!
I really want to help to educate people about transgenders and being a transgender and just everything about it and I know that there are some questions that are floating out there that people are scared to ask trans people because some questions are uncomfortable.
So, if you have a question just email it to me at morwinslow@gmail.com!! I try to check my email every day and if you'd like it to only be answered in private, just say so.
I visited my therapist at the beginning of this week and she told me that I ask permission from my parents too much. And she told me essentially to start being an individual and doing things without asking them. She also said that since they most likely won't be supporting my transition that I can go ahead without them.
So, in celebration I bought a pair of pants and a t-shirt. And hopefully within a month or so I'll have a binder! I'm really excited to finally get the ball rolling now that I'm 18 and I can finally be myself.
Now, I'm not going to go all rebel and get neck tattoos and stuff, but I plan to continue transitioning and possibly see a therapist that focuses on transgenders and possibly get approved for hormones when I'm ready. But I don't think that'll be for at least a year since I don't want to rush it and just dive in head-first. I'm starting off with clothes and cutting my hair first. I already have the hair cut, and some of the clothes (two sweaters), so I plan to expand that before anything else.
On another note, I'd love to answer questions that you guys have! And I'm going to set up a policy that as long as it's a legit question, I'll answer it. If you be 100% sincere and you actually have a question, I'll answer it no matter what. Nothing will be off limits and I promise I won't get offended or hurt by a question!
I really want to help to educate people about transgenders and being a transgender and just everything about it and I know that there are some questions that are floating out there that people are scared to ask trans people because some questions are uncomfortable.
So, if you have a question just email it to me at morwinslow@gmail.com!! I try to check my email every day and if you'd like it to only be answered in private, just say so.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Binding, Passing, Ect!
I am back!
And this time I won't just be answering questions but more talking about my own transition and more about me!
First off, this weekend I was going to work with my dad and we walked into 7-11 to get coffee and the guy who was working there made a comment to my dad about hiring me. My dad said yes and the man said,
"Passing the business down to your son, eh?"
My dad made a point of telling the man that I was his daughter and totally ruined the moment but whatever I still passed for the first time in public and it was the best feeling I've ever had. It just felt right especially since I didn't know the man beforehand and I hadn't told him to use he/him pronouns.
Secondly, I'm going my final Contemporary Issues project on transgender social issues (bathrooms, laws against transgenders, healthcare for transgenders, the bad stigma transgenders carry, ect) and I only started yesterday and I'm really learning a lot of statistics and things that I didn't know before.
Transgenders with disapproving parents are 60% more likely to have attempted suicide.
And the suicide rates and murder rates among the transgender community are staggering.
Thirdly, I turned 18 on the 3rd and hopefully I'm going to get a binder soon! I'm really excited and I've been reading lots of reviews. From what I've gathered Peacock and Underworks seem to have the best reviews for comfort and binding. I do have a small chest and a very small overall build, so binding isn't a super priority for me because (lets be honest) there ain't much to bind.
My friend has an Underworks binder for cosplay and she's rather busty and it does compress her very well and she recommends the Underworks binders for both comfort and binding capabilities.
Also, remember guys NEVER bind with ace bandages or duct tape!! I know being in the wrong body is very uncomfortable but so are broken and de-formed ribs! Please stay safe guys! I've heard so may horror stories about incorrect binding and I'd hate that to happen to anyone! If your binder restricts your breathing TAKE IT OFF. If your binder hurts you TAKE IT OFF. And please guys don't sleep with your binders on because people have died in their sleep because they just stop breathing. Please bind safely guys!
Links Binders:
Peacock: http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewCat&catId=2
Peacock: http://www.peecockproducts.com/index.php?_a=viewCat&catId=2
Underworks: http://www.underworks.com/men/compression-shirts-29
Staggering Transgender Statistics:
http://www.transgenderlaw.org/resources/transfactsheet.pdf
http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/AFSP-Williams-Suicide-Report-Final.pdf
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)